What's the Deal With This "Parts" Stuff Anyway?
An Introduction to Parts Work & How It Can Help You Better Understand Yourself
If you've ever been in therapy with me, there's a decent chance you've heard me use the word part at some point.
And if your first thought was, "...I'm sorry, my what?" you're definitely not alone.
Most people don't think of themselves as having different parts. We tend to think of ourselves as one person with one personality, so the idea of talking about "a part of you" can understandably feel confusing.
The funny thing is, you've almost certainly experienced what I'm talking about, you just may not have called it a "part."
Have you ever found yourself thinking:
"I know I should send the text...so why can't I?"
"Part of me wants to leave this relationship, but another part keeps hoping things will change."
"I really want to go after this opportunity, but I can't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong."
Or maybe you've finally carved out time to rest, only to have another voice pop up telling you that you should really be doing something more productive instead.
Most of us know what it's like to feel pulled in different directions. We usually call it overthinking, second-guessing ourselves, or feeling conflicted. A parts perspective simply gives us another way of understanding what's happening.
You're Not One-Dimensional, and That's a Good Thing
When you really stop and pay attention, most people notice that different sides of themselves show up in different moments.
You might have a confident part that walks into work feeling capable and prepared, yet a much more self-conscious part that shows up on a first date.
There may be a part that wants to say yes to every opportunity because it's excited about life, and another part that's constantly scanning for what could go wrong.
Maybe there's a part that's incredibly compassionate toward other people, and another that is surprisingly critical when it comes to yourself.
None of this means you're inconsistent or "don't know who you are." It means you're human. These parts are all just different ways your mind has learned to help you navigate the world.
One of the things I appreciate most about a part's perspective is that it normalizes something so many people experience but rarely talk about: it's completely possible for two very different feelings to exist at the same time.
You can want closeness and fear it. You can feel excited and anxious. You can know what you want while also feeling afraid to go after it.
Where Do These Parts Come From?
One of the questions I hear most often is, "Okay...but why do I keep doing this if it’s not helping?"
The answer is usually much more compassionate than people expect. None of us are born knowing how to navigate relationships, disappointment, criticism, or uncertainty. As we grow up, we learn what helps us feel safe, accepted, loved, and connected.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where keeping the peace felt important, so a people-pleasing part learned to smooth things over before conflict had a chance to grow.
Maybe achievement became closely tied to feeling valued, so a perfectionistic part stepped in to make sure you never fell behind.
Maybe life felt unpredictable, and an anxious part learned that constantly thinking ahead was the best way to stay prepared.
Over time, these ways of coping become familiar. They begin as adaptations to our environment, helping us navigate situations that felt difficult or emotionally overwhelming. The challenge is that the strategies that once protected us don't always continue serving us later in life. We carry these parts into adulthood, into dating relationships, friendships, careers, and families. Sometimes they're incredibly helpful. Other times they keep showing up long after they've outlived the job they were originally trying to do.
These parts aren't trying to make life harder.
More often than not, they're simply trying to protect you in the best way they know how.
So...Do We Actually Talk to These Parts?
This is usually where people start laughing a little. And honestly, I get it.
The idea of talking about "a part of you" can sound much stranger than it actually feels in the therapy room. In practice, it's often much more natural than people expect.
Imagine someone says, "I know I need to end this relationship, but I just can't." Instead of assuming they're simply indecisive, we might get curious.
What's making it feel so difficult?
Maybe one part longs for something healthier. Another part is terrified of being alone. Another worries about hurting the other person.
All of those experiences can exist at the same time.
Instead of deciding that one part is "right" and the other is "wrong," therapy creates space to understand each one. When we make space for each of them, people often stop feeling like they're fighting against themselves. Instead, they begin understanding why the decision has felt so complicated in the first place.
One of the Biggest Shifts I See in Therapy
Many of us have spent years trying to get rid of the parts we don't like.
The anxious part.
The self-critical part.
The perfectionistic part.
The part that overthinks every text message.
The part that always seems to expect the worst.
But one of the biggest shifts I see in therapy happens when people stop asking, "How do I make this part go away?" and start asking, "What is this part trying to do for me?"
That doesn't mean every coping strategy is helpful today. It also doesn't mean we want those parts making every decision.
But when we understand what they're trying to protect us from, they often start making a lot more sense. And once something makes sense, it usually becomes much easier to work with than something we simply judge.
Where Does This Idea Come From?
If this way of thinking resonates with you, you might be wondering where it comes from.
The idea of working with different "parts" of ourselves is most commonly associated with Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. IFS is based on the idea that all of us have different parts that developed over time to help us cope, protect ourselves, and navigate life's experiences.
You don't need to know anything about IFS, or even think in terms of "parts,” to benefit from this way of exploring yourself. I simply find that it offers many people a gentler, more compassionate way of understanding experiences that previously felt confusing or frustrating.
Breaking Free From Self Judgment and Making Space for Compassion
One of the reasons I enjoy integrating parts work into therapy is because it creates so much room for compassion. Whether someone comes to therapy because of anxiety, relationship challenges, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or the lasting effects of trauma, we often discover that these responses developed for understandable reasons. Instead of viewing them as flaws that need to be fixed, we begin seeing them as adaptations that once served a purpose.
That doesn't mean they still need to run the show. It simply means we can approach them with curiosity instead of shame.
Over time, that curiosity often creates something people have been trying to force for years: the freedom to respond differently. To stop fighting against yourself, and begin to understand yourself.
And in my experience, that's where lasting change tends to begin.
Here’s how to get started:
Schedule a consultation to discuss the emotional patterns affecting your relationships.
Begin therapy for young adults to gain insight into family dynamics, strengthen boundaries, and build healthier connections.
Move forward with greater self-awareness, confidence, and clarity.